


Mirrored Heart

by mon_dieu



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Anxiety, Casual Sex, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Constipation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Mark Lee/Nakamoto Yuta, Established Relationship, Eventual Smut, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Jealousy, Late Night Conversations, Love Triangles, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Shower Sex, Sleepy Cuddles, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, some healthy communication down the road, two best friends they might kiss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-16 17:56:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28835244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mon_dieu/pseuds/mon_dieu
Summary: Jaehyun is lying in his bed, unable to sleep. He considers his feelings for his longtime crush, Nakamoto Yuta. How did he miss his chance?Jungwoo has had feelings for Jaehyun for who knows how long, and if given his chance, will he accept it or run away from it?
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Jungwoo, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Nakamoto Yuta, Mark Lee/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 12
Kudos: 67





	1. Why him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _"In the dream I don't tell anyone,_  
>  _you put your head in my lap."_  
>  - **Richard Siken** , I had a dream about you.  
>   
> 
> 
> Might be based on a personal experience of lying in bed, wishing my crush could see me as I saw them. Basically, Jaehyun is sad because he feels like his crush can't see him, yet he does not notice that he might be doing the same thing to someone else.
> 
>   
> 

"Why? Why him?" Jaehyun whispered to himself while staring up at the ceiling. This was the third night in a row where sleep alluded him, and he was sure the reason was a certain beautiful bandmate of his refused to leave his thoughts. 

He was too upset to sleep, but he knew that if he didn't he would regret it in the morning. His feelings for Yuta were nothing new, but it was as if it had gotten worse. Within the last year, it had become increasingly obvious that his beloved bandmate had feelings for Mark. Mark - who previously had shied away from a lot of the loving attention he received from his bandmates - had started to reciprocate the affection. They had started sharing more private moments until they decided to tell the rest of the 10th floor that they had started dating in secret. Both of them tried their best to make it clear that this wouldn’t be a problem for the group dynamic and promising that if things ended badly that they wouldn’t take it out on the group. Obviously, neither of them knew about Jaehyun’s feelings, and he was trying not to sour the mood, but it was growing more difficult. 

Prior to this, dealing with his crush had been fairly simple, but he was so envious of Mark. He was so envious that the younger man had somehow achieved what Jaehyun had yearned for so quickly. Jaehyun had pined for his bandmate for years but never dared to let him now. Even when Yuta said he loved him, he knew he meant as a friend. 

Sweet little Mark, of course, it had to be you. When he last paid attention Mark had been everyone's little brother. They would dote on him and call him cute, but in Jaehyun's eyes, he was still that kid he met during SM Rookies. Evidently, other people had seen something different in Mark, who had grown up while Jeahyun's eyes were focused on Yuta instead. He knew Yuta and Mark had been friends for years, but he never thought to question it, to see Mark as a potential rival. 

Calm down Jae, Mark isn't your rival. Jaehyun found that the jealousy was hard to contain sometimes. They were both playing the game, but Mark was winning, and Yuta didn't even notice Jaehyun as a contender. Jaehyun had been too busy seeing Mark as a kid. When did this happen? He thought he had time. Time to come to terms with things and time to win Yuta over. 

  
  


Why? Why? Why him? Why someone as lovely and sweet as Mark? Jaehyun almost wished he could hate Mark or think of him as an asshole, but he couldn't. He was talented, kind, genuine, funny and hell, even attractive. Mark was also unafraid. Like sure, he was afraid of heights and ghosts, but he had the courage to flirt with Yuta in public. The courage to randomly hug him, to tell him how cute he was, to forget himself and show Yuta love even when there was a possibility of a camera being present. Jaehyun knew this was crucial for someone like Yuta.

Jaehyun had known Yuta for the better part of a decade, and he knew that when Yuta loved, he loved intensely. The strength to meet Yuta's gaze in public and jokingly flirt back was a strength Jaehyun did not possess. Maybe he had internalised the suggestions around dating they all received from their company too well. ( _“Look, we know you all want to date, but it will easily create a scandal that might cost your group both sales and popularity. If you feel the need to date, we would suggest doing so within the company, as it will be easier to control the rumours then. If you would like to avoid scandals, please be discreet. Don’t let Dispatch see you in situations we cannot justify.”_ ) 

He had been afraid of even looking at Yuta for too long, in fear of it being picked up by eagle-eyed fans. Someone like Yuta couldn’t live like that. He was honest and lovely and wore his heart on his sleeve. He would rather bare his feelings to the world rather than live in a prison of his own making, maybe that is where they differed the most.

  
  


'Fucking coward, maybe if you had shown how you felt Yuta-hyung would not have been taken from you.' Jaehyun thought to himself. 

He took a deep breath. 'No. Don't make Mark the villain here. He didn't steal my Yuta. Yuta has two legs, he walked over there himself.' Jaehyun almost wanted to laugh. Yuta wasn’t “his” anything, because, without conscious thought, Jaehyun had made sure of that. Their love was dead on arrival because Jaehyun had been deathly afraid of losing his friendship with Yuta. He might have made Yuta happy, in an alternative timeline, but now he’d never know. It was too late for them, the opportunity had rushed past him. 

  
  


The worst part was always being around the two of them, either at work or at home. It was painful to see them happy together. Always hugging, kissing and cuddling, looking at each other like they were the only two people in the world. It was a tenderness he was not apart of, and he could only watch with growing envy. He denied himself happiness, and he denied himself the gift of moving on. His envy grew and his enjoyment of his chosen career was rotting away slowly. It was stupid, really. He was aware that he was torturing himself for no reason. No other party in his imagined love triangle was stuck like he was, stewing in jealousy and regret.

Jaehyun felt like a failure. What if he had risked it all, and told Yuta how he felt years ago. Maybe he now would be the one sleeping in Yuta's arms instead of Mark. Maybe he could be the one drifting off, smelling the lovely scent of Yuta's cologne. Maybe he could be the one receiving those loving looks and sweet kisses. Maybe he could be the one that Yuta was consumed with desire for. Maybe he could be the one Yuta gushed about to other members when he wasn't around. His heart ached, his cowardice was the cause for his regret. He longed to be the object of Yuta’s affection, to be held close in his arms. 

  
  


Jaehyun wondered if the other members knew about his feelings for Yuta. Would they pity him? Tell him to get over it? He honestly had no idea how they would react, but none of that mattered now. Mark and Yuta were in a relationship, and as long as that was true, nobody needed to know how he felt. Jaehyun might be jealous, but he would never want to try and ruin Yuta's happiness. He was glad to see that Yuta was happy, but why couldn't he have been happy with Jaehyun? Why him and not me? 

A tear escaped from his eye and made a wet spot on his pillow. He wished he could have been enough, but it would seem he was sentenced to the role of spectator to Yuta's happiness. It might be slightly depressing, but he was almost thankful for that position alone. To be able to stand in Yuta's light was a gift in itself, so he shouldn't complain. Yuta was kind, talented, generous and loving. Maybe it was for the best that it didn't end up being the two of them. Jaehyun hopes that no matter whom Yuta ended up with, that he might be lucky enough to keep him in his life. Even if they married other people, moved away from each other after retiring from idol life, he hoped he could keep those beautiful eyes in his life. 

  
  


Another tear ran down his face. Then one more. Jaehyun didn't like to cry, but he didn't want to wake Jungwoo, who was sleeping across the room. He wouldn't be able to explain why he was crying himself to sleep. If Jungwoo knew it would make it worse. It was bad enough for Jaehyun to know about his crush, considering he shares a flat with both Yuta and Mark. To keep suspicion at bay they officially both had other roommates, but everyone knew that they slept in the same bed. Jaehyun knew this, knew that they were probably spooning as he was lying here, driving himself insane with his own questions. And it hurt, it hurt so much. 

Fuck, Yuta. Why couldn't you have chosen me instead? 

  
  
  
  


Across the room, he heard a noise. 'Fuck. What if he heard me cry?' Jaehyun thought, rolling over to face the wall. Jungwoo was kind and sensitive himself, so he probably wouldn't be a dick about it, but Jaehyun was still afraid to get caught.

"Why are you moving around so much? Are you struggling to sleep or something" Jungwoo murmured, just loud enough for Jaehyun to hear? Maybe he had been moving around a lot, he hadn't thought he was. 

  
  


"Yeah, sorry if I woke you up. I can't seem to relax enough to fall asleep." Jaehyun spoke quietly. He hugged his duvet in his arms, trying to stifle the tears that were still running down his cheeks. This wasn’t like him, he could usually always push his feelings down. Maybe he had been repressing everything for too long, and now he couldn’t stop. He didn’t want to be seen like this, to be perceived by someone he knew he had to talk to tomorrow when he had to be the usual dependable Jahyun. He heard Jungwoo utter a sigh.

“Come over here then.” Jungwoo mumbled. Jaehyun snapped his head around to look at the younger man. What was this about? Jaehyun was feeling very vulnerable, and he didn’t want to look Jungwoo in the eye, but the curiosity got the better of him.

“What?” Jaehyun said a little louder than he expected. “I don’t want to disturb your sleep.”

  
  


“You already have, just get over here.” He could almost hear Jungwoo rolling his eyes. He sounded very tired but was still ready to help. Typical Jungwoo. “Sometimes a change of scenery, even if it’s just from one bed to another helps. Bring your pillow.” 

Jaehyun couldn’t argue against that logic, so he wiped his tears away, and picked up his pillow and walked over to the other man’s bed. Jungwoo sat up so he could scoot over, closer to the wall. Jungwoo’s hair looked fluffy and was sticking up in weird places, he looked very cute when he was sleepy. 

“You’ve been crying,” Jungwoo said. It was just a statement, so all Jaehyun could do was nod as he sat down at Jungwoo’s bed. “Is there something on your mind? Or someone perhaps?” All Jaehyun could do was nod again. He couldn’t trust his voice not to betray him. 

  
  


He bit his lip, he felt very uncomfortable with the level of scrutiny Jungwoo was looking at him with. Another tear threatened to fall so he leaned his head back, trying to force the traitorous tear back into his head. Jungwoo put a hand on his cheek, compelling him gently to look him in the eye.

“Oh Jaehyun, who could make you feel like this? I’m sorry you are going through this by yourself, but you’re not alone now. Are you okay with being touched?” Jungwoo had a reputation of being a bit of an airhead in public, but he was extremely capable when he wanted to be. Jaehyun appreciated his emotional intelligence in times like these. The look in Jungwoo’s eyes was not pity, but sympathy. Jungwoo was still waiting for an answer, very patiently.

“Yes, I am. We can cuddle if that’s okay with you.” Jaehyun croaked out. He _sounded_ like he had been crying. He probably looked pathetic. 

Jungwoo rested his palm on the side of Jaehyun’s face. Without conscious thought, Jaehyun leaned in, and Jungwoo rubbed his thumb against his cheek, catching a tear in its tracks. The action was so tender and so gentle that Jaehyun was almost afraid to breathe, afraid he might ruin it. Jungwoo pulled him into a hug, gently stroking his hair. Jaehyun hid his face away, breathing in the scent of Jungwoo to distract himself. Jungwoo sighed for a short moment, pulling away. He held Jaehyun’s face in his hands again. Jaehyun looked away, feeling too observed. It was late, and he was keeping Jungwoo from his precious sleep, yet Jungwoo didn’t seem to care. For a fleeting moment, Jaehyun looked down at Jungwoo’s lips, mostly he tried to not look Jungwoo in the eyes, but he was craving the closeness of another. It was probably wrong to use Jungwoo like this, kind Jungwoo who welcomed him into his arms and his bed, no questions asked. He felt selfish. He looked at Jungwoo’s lips again, who said he was a nice person? 

He leaned forward and kissed his roommate’s soft lips. Jungwoo kissed him back, melting into him. Jaehyun thought himself cruel, what if Yuta had done this to him because he was feeling vulnerable about someone else. How much would that hurt? Would he feel used? Would he have cried about it later? He didn’t pull away.

They pulled apart for a second for breath, and when their lips met again, Jaehyun sneaked his tongue in. He was good with physical affection, especially compared to how he was at sharing his feelings. Jungwoo uttered a small moan, pulling Jaehyun closer by his t-shirt. They continued kissing and Jungwoo leaned back towards his pillow, bringing Jaehyun down with him. Jaehyun put his leg on the other side of Jungwoo’s hips. Jungwoo let his hand travel up Jaehyun’s back, behind his t-shirt. 

They pulled away from each other, but Jungwoo dragged Jaehyun into a close hug. 

  
  


“That was unexpected,” Jungwoo whispered in his ear, giving Jaehyun goosebumps. “Are you feeling any better?” 

Jaehyun didn’t trust his voice right now, so he kissed Jungwoo’s ear, his cheekbone, moving down towards his neck. Jungwoo stopped him, using his finger to tilt his chin up so their eyes met again. This had been a silly distraction, but Jaehyun felt better. 

“Yes, I am. Thank you for being here for me tonight.” He wanted to express his gratitude, but for a moment there he saw a twinge of sadness in Jungwoo’s eyes. It only lasted a second before he smiled warmly again. Jaehyun felt he had messed up somewhere, but he couldn’t say where, so he tried to ignore it. He gave Jungwoo one more short kiss, and Jungwoo giggled. 

‘Cute as always.’ Jaehyun thought.

“We should sleep, we have an early start tomorrow. Lay down, we don’t have to look at each other if you don’t want to. We can just spoon, and help each other sleep.” Jungwoo murmured. Jungwoo took the role of the big spoon, and Jaehyun faced away from him. He leaned back into Jungwoo’s comforting presence. He heard Jungwoo draw a shuddering breath behind him, and he tried to not think too much about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any thoughts or observations feel free to share them with me in the comments. Feel free to point out spelling or grammatical errors, as English is not my mother tongue.  
> Let me know if you want more chapters!


	2. Why not me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _"I take off my hands and give them to you  
>  but you don't _  
>   
> _want them, so I take them back_  
>   
>  _and put them on the wrong way, the wrong wrists."_  
>  - **Richard Siken** , Seaside Improvisation  
> 
> 
> //Jungwoo's POV//

Jungwoo woke up in the middle of the night. He leaned over and looked at the clock on his bedside table. It read 01:23. It wasn’t like him to wake himself up, so he wondered why he had. Then he heard it. It sounded like someone crying, but it was faint. It was something of a light sob coming from Jaehyun’s side of the room. Oh, Jaehyun. 

He heard the older boy shuffle around in his bed. Jungwoo assumed Jaehyun had not noticed he was awake yet. He still had time to ignore him in favour of a good night’s sleep. 

He couldn’t do it. His heart broke for Jaehyun. He knew Jaehyun would close up right away if he asked about the crying, so he decided to try another angle.

“Why are you moving around so much? Are you struggling to sleep or something?” Jungwoo said it just loud enough for Jaehyun to hear, but quiet enough to avoid the risk of someone hearing it through the fairly thin walls.

"Yeah, sorry if I woke you up. I can't seem to relax enough to fall asleep." Jaehyun whispered it so Jungwoo had to concentrate to hear the words correctly. He heard more shuffling noises, but then he still heard some sniffling, except now it was obvious Jaehyun was trying to hide it from him. 

Jungwoo stopped to think for a moment, staring up at the ceiling. He had been in love with Jaehyun for some time now, and he had wished to be able to make him happy for equally long. He did not know when it started - when he fell for his roommate - but one day he looked up and it hit him. It was as if he saw Jaehyun in a completely new light, and now every time Jaehyun touched him, smiled at him, or even looked at him for longer than normal Jungwoo would feel all warm inside. It was as if he was under some spell, and he did not mind at all. The only issue was that he did not have the luxury of staying away, to let his feelings die down. They worked together, they shared a bedroom, only their occasionally separate schedules were there to keep them apart.

He had noticed that something was bothering Jaehyun for some time now, he struggled to place exactly what, but he recognised the symptoms of unrequited love quite easily. He suffered from the same affliction himself after all. Who had Jaehyun fallen for? Why was he so upset? Had anything happened? The thoughts in his head kept swirling around, so he tried to ground himself. He couldn’t just lie there and pretend he didn’t hear his friend was in pain.

“Come over here then.” He mumbled. He heard another shuffling sound, but he wasn’t looking at Jaehyun. 

“What?” Jaehyun said, clearly very surprised. Jungwoo snorted. “I mean, I don’t want to disturb your sleep?”

‘What sleep? I’m awake, talking to you dumbass.’ Jungwoo thought to himself. It was strangely amusing. He swallowed his laughter though, as Jaehyun would probably interpret it as him being mean. Jaehyun sounded rawer and more vulnerable than he usually would allow himself to be heard. He knew the older man often put up a barrier between himself and the world, to shield his fragile emotions from others. Right now, Jaehyun almost sounded small. It just activated Jungwoo’s protective instincts further. 

“You already have, just get over here. Sometimes a change of scenery, even if it’s just from one bed to another helps. Bring your pillow.” He moved over, closing to the wall, making sure there was room for them both. He sat up, motioning for the other man to sit down next to him on the bed. Jaehyun walked over, looking sad, but also undeniably cute. His hair was messy, and his eyes were puffy. 

“You’ve been crying,” He said, feigning surprise. “Is there something on your mind? Or someone perhaps?” 

He honestly hoped Jaehyun wouldn’t elaborate. Mostly he just didn’t wish to pry, but he also wanted to protect himself here. He had deduced that it was likely that Jaehyun’s feelings concerned another member of their group, given how close they all were, and he did not want to go around envious of the person lucky enough to have caught Jaehyun's eye. It would hurt too much to know that the person he cared for loved someone else in his place. Jaehyun looked so young like this, so vulnerable. Jaehyun nodded at his former question. 

Jaehyun looked so broken sitting in front of him, and it was breaking Jungwoo’s heart. Jungwoo just wanted to hold him close and protect him from anyone that wanted to hurt him. He reached his hand out, gently, as if he were afraid to break the other man. He let his hand caress Jaehyun’s cheek and felt him lean in. He saw another tear roll down Jaehyun’s cheek and he wiped it away. He kept caressing his beloved’s cheek and all he wanted was to take some of his pain away. 

Jaehyun bit his lip, and Jungwoo wished he could save the sight in his mind. 

“Oh Jaehyun, who could make you feel like this? I’m sorry you are going through this by yourself, but you’re not alone now. Are you okay with being touched?” All Jungwoo wanted was to hug him and keep him safe from himself, but he wanted it to be on Jaehyun’s terms. He didn’t want to rush him. 

“Yes, I am. We can cuddle if that’s okay with you.” Jaehyun’s voice was rough and deeper than usual. The idea of cuddling with Jaehyun in any other circumstance would have been great, but now he was simply grateful that he was able to hold him close.

Touch was a comfortable arena for Jungwoo, but he wondered if they interpreted their actions with similar intent. He would often make excuses to touch Jaehyun, to sit extra close, to grab his leg. He knew that Jaehyun was not usually one to initiate physical contact, so this was a rare occasion. All he wanted was to be there for his friend, his own feelings be damned.

He had let his hand drop down but went back to caressing Jaehyun’s face. He wanted to be gentle, Jaehyun looked so tired. Come to think of it, Jaehyun has looked tired for many days now. How long has this been bothering him? He pulled Jaehyun into a hug, unable to stop himself this time. He started stroking the other man’s hair absentmindedly, wondering the true depth of what Jaehyun was going through. He noticed Jaehyun smelling the nape of his neck as he hugged him closer. Jungwoo wondered if he had a comforting scent. Something about that thought made him want to cry as well. He blinked his eyes quickly, trying to stop the hopeful rush of wishful thinking. He pulled away from the hug slowly, not wanting to let go. His train of thought stopped abruptly when he noticed that Jaehyun was looking at his lips. He had several very conflicting feelings. Was this a prank from some cruel god? To give him what he craved so bad in the wrong context? To allow him to feel wanted by the one he had fancied for who knows how long, but with the knowledge that his desire was purely physical, it was horrible. Regardless, he was not going to let this chance pass him by.

Before he could dissect his thoughts any further, Jaehyun leaned forward and kissed him. His lips were so soft, and Jungwoo leaned in. It was clear Jaehyun was a very experienced kisser. Jungwoo tried to stop his thoughts, tried pretending this was genuine. Still, he couldn’t help but wonder who Jaehyun wished he was kissing.

Without realizing it, he had been holding his breath, so he pulled away to draw new breath, but as soon as they started kissing again, Jaehyun let his tongue slide in his mouth. Jungwoo let out an involuntary moan, grabbing his t-shirt in an attempt to ground himself. He might as well enjoy this. What a cruel delight, to have all he wanted in this way. He didn’t pull away.

At this moment, he knew that he would easily let Jaehyun use him for his own comfort because at least he was looking at him, touching  _ him _ and no one else. Jaehyun had one hand on his lower back, and another stroking his side. Letting his eyes open slightly, he saw Jaehyun meeting his gaze, looking through his thick eyelashes. Suddenly Jungwoo struggled to hold his head up, feeling very overwhelmed. He leaned back on the bed without breaking the kiss. Jaehyun followed his cue, letting him lie down so he could straddle him. Jungwoo refused to analyse this further, he chose to assume that he had simply died in his sleep and entered heaven. He let his hand travel up Jaehyun’s shirt, loving the feel of having him on top. In reaction, he felt Jaehyun grind his hips downward. Jungwoo felt a tinge of arousal building in his crotch.

The logical side of his mind sadly had to interrupt, reminding Jungwoo that they both had to be up by 6 am the next morning. If he let this go on, they would both get scolded by the makeup noonas for looking like shit. He broke the kiss, pulling Jaehyun down for a hug, in an attempt to hide how red his face was.

“That was unexpected.” He whispered into Jaehyun’s ear. He wished they hadn’t stopped, but one of them needed to use their head. “Are you feeling any better?”

Jaehyun started him with small kisses, from the tip of his ear moving down towards his neck. ‘Fuck you Jaehyun, why do you make this so difficult?’ Jungwoo thought with a groan.

“Yes, I am. Thank you for being here for me tonight.” Jaehyun smiled. Somehow, that stung harder than anything that happened before. Jaehyun had thanked him like he just did a chore like he had helped him move or something. A part of him had guessed it already, but he felt like this had just been a service exchange. Suddenly having Jung Jaehyun straddling him in bed had all the ceremony of a fucking high five.

Jaehyun gave him another peck, and Jungwoo couldn’t help but let out a little giggle. ‘Oh Jaehyun, how cute you can be sometimes.’ Jungwoo thought, still somewhat upset in a way he didn’t feel like deconstructing now or ever really.

“We should sleep, we have an early start tomorrow. Lay down, we don’t have to look at each other if you don’t want to. We can just spoon and help each other sleep.” Jungwoo murmured, taking note of how close together their faces were.

He let himself wrap around Jaehyun, spooning him. He let out a shuddered breath. If nothing else, he knew he got to keep Jaehyun safe in his arms for the next couple of hours. His heart ached, but he felt comforted by having Jaehyun there. Maybe just for one night, he could pretend that they belong together.

***

The next morning, Jungwoo awoke to the sound of his alarm going off. He tried to rub the sleep out of his eyes and blinked to see Jaehyun, still tucked safely in his arms. He shook him a little to help wake him up.

“Jaehyunie~ Please turn off the alarm, you’re so much closer.” He whined in a cute voice.

Jaehyun started reaching his hand out, attempting to find Jungwoo’s phone seemingly without opening his eyes. Jungwoo sighed, shook his head, and leaned over him to turn it off.

“Whoa, you look really good from this angle.” Jaehyun blurted out. Jungwoo froze, immediately feeling his face turn beet red. “Do we really have to get up? I was so comfortable...” Jaehyun mumbled as he turned around to face him, as Jungwoo laid back down.

“I’d never thought I’d see the day when I had the famous Jung Jaehyun in my bed,  _ sulking,  _ of all things.” Jungwoo said, raising an eyebrow.

“I’m not sulking...” Jaehyun said in a distinctively sulky tone. Jaehyun turned around to face him. His little frown smoothed out into a lazy smile. “I just had the best sleep I’ve had in a long time.”

“I’m happy I could help. And while I hate to be the boring one, I think we should probably go shower and eat something before we’re late.” Jungwoo felt conflicted again, completely torn between wanting to yell ‘I made him happy!’ at the top of his lungs, or try to get out of this situation as quickly as possible before someone walked in. Apparently, he took too long to decide, because suddenly their door was opened by Taeil, who he assumed never learned to knock.

“Hey guys, if you want to shower you should probably get up now-” Taeil froze with the door wide open. He had originally looked over at Jaehyun’s bed to find it empty, frowned, and looked over to find them all wrapped up in one another. “Uhh… I’ll let you two have some privacy...” He said, closing the door before they could say anything.

“Remember we have to be out of the house in an hour, preferably before!” They heard from outside the door.

Jungwoo blinked, not able to react at the present moment. Taeil was one of the few members that knew how Jungwoo felt, so he was most likely going to interpret this in a way Jungwoo didn’t want to. The second his soul returned to earth he bolted out of bed.

“Hyung it’s not what it looks like-” He started before Jaehyun grabbed his arm. He turned around to face him. Jaehyun looked oddly calm.

“Would it really be so bad, if it was what it looked like?” Jungwoo’s heart skipped a beat. Jaehyun stood up, invading Jungwoo’s personal space. Jaehyun let his hand caress his cheek, and Jungwoo’s breath hitched. Jaehyun let his thumb brush across his lips in a smooth, soft motion. Jaehyun's eyes were so intense. “I never knew you were such a good kisser Jungwoo. What if you join me in the shower?” Jaehyun smirked.

“No- I- I‘ll go make us both some eggs and then you can shower first.” Jungwoo panicked, and if it had not been for Jaehyun’s hand in his he would have run already. Jaehyun cocked his head to the side, giving him a confused look, but saying nothing.

“Please Jaehyun, don’t do this to me. Don’t play with me like this.” Jungwoo was almost ready to cry, but he knew he could offer no explanation if he broke down now. He got his hand free, grabbed his towel and ran into the bathroom. He locked the door behind him and sank to the floor, holding his head in his hands.

Back in their room, a puzzled Jaehyun stood frozen for a minute. He stood there processing for a minute, before decided to go make breakfast, realising he was too hungry to process this.

Jungwoo got in the shower, turning the water cold to shock him awake. He didn’t want to believe this. Jaehyun had come to him yesterday, soft and vulnerable, practically begging to be taken care of. Jungwoo had no issue taking care of him, but one night of tenderness and this is how he acts? Suddenly all cocky and suave as if he had not been crying in his arms last night? As if he had not woken up sulking because they had to get up to go to work?

Had he just been manipulated? Why would Jaehyun play with his feelings when someone had just played with his? Why was he like this? Warm tears of pure embarrassment and frustration wet his cheeks along with the cold shower water. He needed to stop spiralling, he did not have time for this. He finished showering and started drying off. The questions kept swirling around his head. He looked at himself in the mirror.

He had to remind himself that Jaehyun didn’t know how he felt about him, so he might have looked at this like simple fun, a nice distraction. The unfairness he was feeling might not be justified. Maybe that’s how Jungwoo should start thinking about life? He stood up straight, squared his shoulders. He deserved more than what he had allowed himself. He might even for a moment have thought he deserved better than what Jaehyun had to offer, but he couldn’t convince himself of that for long.

After getting dressed, he started making breakfast. He begged silently that Taeil had not announced what he had seen earlier. He walked past Yuta who gave him a wink and a high five. Apparently, it was not Jungwoo’s day today. ‘Figures.’ he thought, as he went to get some breakfast.

***

It was their final schedule of the day, as they had a relatively short day today. NCT 127 was filming an interview for some Youtube-based company Jungwoo didn’t bother to learn the name of. He was not really in the mood, so he decided to just sit in the back and space out. He just went to sit down while they were setting up the cameras. He felt so drained, that perfect sleep was really for nought. He closed his eyes for a second, but he heard the sound of steps approaching him.

It was Donghyuck because evidently, it was "everyone-ruin-Jungwoo’s-day"-day.

“So~ Is there anything you have neglected to tell me?” Donghyuck said, leaning over and wiggling his eyebrows like a badly drawn cartoon character.

“I am going to kill Taeil.” Jungwoo said with a groan. He put his face in his hands, not bothering to care about his makeup for now. Maybe if he just ignored Donghyuck he would leave him be.

“That seems a bit harsh, all he told me was that you and Jaehyun-hyung slept together. What did he catch you two doing? Now you have  _ really  _ piqued my interest.” Donghyuck said in a loud whisper. Jungwoo did not know what he had expected.

“Come on, there hasn’t been any relationship drama after Yuta and Mark got together. Entertain me please.” Donghyuck whined, laying down in Jungwoo’s lap.

A metaphorical light bulb lit up over Jungwoo’s head. Things  **had** been quiet since Yuta and Mark got together. It coincidentally aligned with the timeline of when Jaehyun started being all withdrawn and unhappy. It had to be one of them. He was almost positive. Somehow this lightened his mood. This would mean that nobody had deliberately broken Jaehyun’s heart, and maybe they were more similar than he previously assumed.

While Jungwoo was deep in thought, Donghyuck got up, muttering something about him being weird. It was nothing new to Jungwoo, so he ignored it.

What he couldn’t ignore was Jaehyun coming over, sitting down on the seat next to him. They were about to start in a minute or two. Jaehyun leaned over, and Jungwoo had to stop himself from holding his breath.

“Are we okay? I’m sorry if I said something wrong earlier today,” Jaehyun whispered. It was such a Jaehyun thing to do, asking a potentially difficult question right before the cameras started recording.

“Yeah, we’re okay. I was just startled, that was all.” Jungwoo whispered back. It wasn’t a lie, technically. Jaehyun had no time to respond, but he squeezed his hand, hidden away from others’ eyes. Jungwoo put on his TV Smile and squeezed his hand back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any thoughts or observations feel free to share them with me in the comments. Feel free to point out spelling or grammatical errors, as English is not my mother tongue.  
> The next chapter is right around the corner!


	3. Why not us?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _"Love wakes the dragon and suddenly_  
>    
> _flames everywhere"_
> 
> **-Richard Siken**
> 
> // Jaehyun's POV //

Jaehyun was lying in bed, thinking about Yuta again. After becoming more comfortable with Jungwoo, he had realized that he spent less time worrying about his crush. What kept replaying in his mind was the question of why Yuta could never see him as more than a friend. It was not like they had never flirted.

His mind drifted, back to one of the times they performed in Tokyo. He loved seeing how excited Yuta turned when he was back in his home country. It must have been difficult for him to be that far away from home constantly, especially before they debuted. His heart hurt a little just thinking about it. He hoped Yuta felt at home in Korea after all these years.

During the aforementioned trip, they shared a hotel room, so they had sat up talking after the concert ended. They were travelling back to Korea the next day and had little time to go out and explore the city, and he knew deep down that it had affected his friend.

“One day I want us to travel to Osaka together and I’ll show you around. Just the two of us. I want to show you my hometown.” Yuta had said, smiling that wonderful smile of his. Jaehyun had nodded quickly and agreed. They were sitting on Jaehyun’s bed, facing each other. The music from one of Yuta’s favourite bands was playing on low volume in the background.

“I would love to do that with you. I love spending time with the other members as well, but I feel like we don’t see each other as often. Just the two of us, you know?” Jaehyun had intended for that to be a completely innocuous comment. He had not expected Yuta to raise an eyebrow and smile.

“You miss being around me, Hyunnie? We see each other almost every day, how do you have time to miss me?” Yuta laughed, putting his hand on Jaehyun’s thigh. Jaehyun swallowed hard. ‘ _He is just touchy; this doesn’t mean anything. Don’t overthink it._ ’ He repeated it to himself in his head like a mantra.

“I know, but I feel like we never get any alone time like this anymore. I miss being with _you_ , not the group as a whole.” Jaehyun said, meeting Yuta’s gaze the whole time. Yuta leaned in closer.

“Now, what do you want to do, _alone_ with _me_? You have me all to yourself tonight.” Yuta whispered, loud enough for Jaehyun to hear. The subtlety from before had wholly evaporated. Yuta was looking with him with darkened eyes and squeezed his thigh. He still had time to back out, he knew Yuta would not judge him for it. But he didn’t want to. Jaehyun leaned forward, stopping right before their lips met. He was looking for confirmation, making sure this was not just an extended game of gay chicken. Yuta leaned in and kissed him, his lips soft and inviting. Jaehyun let his apprehension fade away, letting Yuta slip his tongue in. Jaehyun did not know how long they stayed like that. What probably lasted a couple of minutes, felt like an hour. He had wanted this for a long time, already back then.

He broke the kiss just so he could look Yuta in the eyes. The older man smiled, pushing some of Jaehyun’s hair out of his eyes.

“You have always been so lovely. I’m so glad we can be this close, without it feeling weird.” Yuta mumbled, leaning in to kiss him again. He loved the praise, feeling it fuel him to move further. Jaehyun broke the kiss again, just so he could kiss down Yuta’s neck. He mentally went through both of their schedules to make sure that they had nothing that required them to be on camera without a shirt.

He started opening Yuta’s shirt buttons, looking up at Yuta for confirmation that he wasn’t stepping over an invisible line in the sand. Yuta nodded slightly, just enough to encourage him to keep going. Once Yuta’s shirt was removed, Yuta helped pull Jaehyun’s t-shirt off as well.

“I want to see you too,” Yuta said, starting to kiss his neck. He was making a hickey, low enough on his neck that it could be covered up. “If we were in a different career, I would love to mark you up, just so I could show you off afterwards.”

Jaehyun could feel himself getting hard just from Yuta’s words alone. Regardless of his own words, Yuta was still working hard to give him a small selection of hickeys and love bites, all strategically placed.

“If we were in a different career, I would have let you. Let you decorate me in purple just to show others that you were there first. Let you show everyone else that I was yours, even if just for a night.” Jaehyun whispered seductively. He could tell from the bulge in Yuta’s trousers that he was clearly doing something right.

“Oh god, why have we not done this earlier.” Yuta asked, expecting no answer. Jaehyun smirked, he loved to make other people feel good, especially if that person was Yuta. He wordlessly got up and moved Yuta towards the edge of the bed.

“Can I blow you?” He asked, finding no reason to sugar-coat it. Yuta’s eyes darkened, and for a slight second, he was worried that he had done something wrong.

“Do you even have to ask?” Yuta replied, getting up and motioning for Jaehyun to get down on his knees. Jaehyun sighed in relief and moved to start unbuttoning the older man’s jeans. He dragged the jeans down to Yuta’s ankles and watched him kick them off. If he noticed Yuta’s arousal before, it was nothing like the sight before him. Yuta was bigger than he expected. He had seen Yuta naked before - they lived together after all - but never in this context. He dragged Yuta’s boxer briefs quickly, his mouth almost salivating at the sight.

He placed his hand at the base of Yuta’s dick and letting his tongue lap at the head. He took him in his mouth, swirling his tongue around the head. He bobbed his head a little to take in as much as he could. Yuta grabbed his hair, holding him steady.

“You’re so good at this. So good for me.” Yuta spoke, his voice heavy with arousal. Jaehyun moved his head back, pressing his tongue to the slit. This elicited a deep moan from Yuta. He took in as much of Yuta as he could, silently cursing himself for having a gag reflex. Yuta’s dick felt heavy on his tongue, and he loved how he was making him sound.

“Hyunnie, I think I’m going to cum soon.” Yuta said. Jaehyun appreciated the warning, as this only motivated him more. He relaxed his jaw properly and pushed himself. He wanted to feel all of Yuta now that he had the chance. Yuta moaned and bucked his hips. Oh, how Jaehyun wished he could save that sound in his memory forever. He pulled back, just to deepthroat him again. He repeated this process, watching Yuta stare down at him intensely. The older man looked ready to implode, and Jaehyun loved that he was able to create that look.

“You feel so good, you are perfect. You look so beautiful like this.” Yuta’s voice was strained. The praise went straight to Jaehyun’s dick. He felt his own arousal trapped in his trousers, he honestly felt like he was close himself. He deepthroated Yuta once more, and the older man grabbed his face holding him there. He felt himself choke a little, but he managed to catch his breath. Just as he did, Yuta came, Jaehyun’s name on his lips. Yuta’s hot cum gathered in his throat, and just as Yuta let him go, Jaehyun swallowed.

“Fuck, where did you learn how to suck dick like that? You are really so full of talents,” Yuta said, seemingly kind of hazed. Jaehyun sat back up on the bed, and Yuta watched him. “Oh right, I’ll help you out too. Honestly, if we didn’t have to be at the airport with all those cameras tomorrow I would love to fuck you until you couldn’t walk. Fuck you into this mattress and watch you unravel for me.”

Yuta’s dirty talk was wonderful. He wanted to say that he would be fully willing to limp across an airport for him, but he could imagine that plane ride to be exceedingly uncomfortable. Jaehyun pulled down his sweatpants and underwear, not wasting any time.

“I’m close, so please just touch me.” Jaehyun sighed. Yuta did just that, sitting down next to him, and letting his hand wandering down to touch him. He used Jaehyun’s precum to lubricate his hand, as he gave Jaehyun the most memorable handjob he ever had. Yuta went back to kissing his neck at the same time, whispering sweet nothings in between each kiss. He moved his hand with skilled efficiency, making sure Jaehyun was having a good time. Jaehyun came, not long after, with Yuta’s name on his lips.

He had been so ready to just be a receptacle for Yuta’s pent-up frustration. He would have taken anything Yuta would give him, but when they finished all he could say was: “Let’s do this again sometime.”

Jaehyun shook his head, he was never getting any sleep tonight if he kept thinking about this, replaying the memory repeatedly as if he was analysing a film. He wondered if Yuta had found the experience as memorable as he did. He doubted it, somehow.

He knew from talking with other idols that these occurrences were not rare. They were in an industry were their every move was watched, and beyond the managers, they mostly spent time with their group members. While NCT were at full liberty to date, albeit discreetly, it was difficult. Not just concerning the fans, but also making sure the person you were dating felt cared for and loved. Finding time for another person with their career path was its own issue. Even if you just slept around that demanded stealth and scheduling.

Regardless of what gender you preferred, it was sometimes just easier to sleep with your band members. If you were both sexually frustrated, solving that with someone who understood your situation and you knew well was simply ideal. What wasn’t ideal was developing feelings within this dynamic. Especially when those feelings were not reciprocated.

He could not blame Yuta for any of this, he had probably rightfully assumed that this was just a casual thing, as they didn’t bring it up again later. He was in a maze of his own design, and he was hoping Jungwoo could help him get out of it. Even if it was just a distraction. It was not Yuta’s fault that Jaehyun sucked at communicating his feelings. He played by the rules, yet Jaehyun wished they had played a different game.

***

Around two weeks had passed since the whole bed-incident between him and Jungwoo. They were back to being relaxed around each other, but there was a minuscule tension. It was nothing the other members would have picked up on, but something was different since that kiss. Jaehyun also noticed that ever since he had been worried about Jungwoo, he had been thinking of Yuta less and less. The 10th floor was having a movie night, and they had invited up the members from the 5th floor as well. They had made sure to tidy up so Taeyong wouldn’t feel compelled to clean up before they started watching the movie.

Now, usually, Jaehyun would be focused on his own resentment. Wanting to be near Yuta, but not wanting to have to sit next to a cuddling Mark and Yuta all night. He had wanted more than anything else to just be the one Yuta looked at all lovingly, but for the past couple of days he had been preoccupied with understanding what Jungwoo was thinking.

The morning after they shared a kiss everything had turned weird. He had never seen Jungwoo that genuinely flushed and shy, so much that he stumbled through his own words. After Taeil had walked in on them in bed together, Jungwoo had acted as if he was caught doing something bad, something he had not been allowed to do. What Jaehyun found strange is that he had not seen the feeling he could only assume was guilt in him at all the previous night. He wondered if Jungwoo had grown up in a particularly conservative household, if he was carrying some shame. He had no idea.

Maybe inviting him to shower together was a bit rushed, but unless he completely misread the situation, Jungwoo had not seemed opposed to going further the night before, had it not been for the late hour. What he found the most puzzling was what Jungwoo had said right afterwards.

_(“Please Jaehyun, don’t do this to me. Don’t play with me like this.” Jungwoo looked like he was about to cry. Jaehyun wanted to say something, anything, but Jungwoo grabbed his towel and ran out. He stood there stunned for a few minutes, not knowing where he went wrong.)_

Jaehyun was confused but tried to get back to reality, he could figure this out later. Jungwoo had just returned from the kitchen with a bowl of snacks, clearly scanning the room for an open spot on the sofa. Johnny was sitting next to Jaehyun, but he pushed him away a little bit to make room.

“Jungwoo, come sit here with me.” He said, patting the spot next to him. Jungwoo blushed a little but walked over quickly.

“Oooooooh Jungwoo and Jaehyun are going to cuddle~,” Donghyuck said in a voice that truly made him sound like somebody’s annoying little brother. Some of the others joined in with their own little “ooh”‘s. Hyenas, all of them.

“And what about it? Is somebody jealous?” Jungwoo responded, pointing his tongue out. Jungwoo moved up a little from his spot so that he was halfway sitting on Jaehyun’s lap, and he wrapped his arms around him.

Jaehyun laughed along but was very confused by his feelings right now. Why did he suddenly feel his heart skip a beat? What was happening?

Across the room, Yuta met his gaze, smiling. Suddenly it was Jaehyun who felt like he was doing something dirty. He knew, realistically, that nothing he did would make Yuta jealous, however he suddenly had an urge to prove something to Yuta. Prove that he was over him? Prove that he also could get some?

This inner battle was all imaginary, but it still felt real. Jaehyun felt so silly. He smiled back, and held Jungwoo closer to himself as if he was some support animal. He saw Yuta turn his head back towards the screen but bending his head down to kiss the top of Mark’s head on the way. Mark looked up, smiling back at Yuta. Jaehyun had to look away, this all felt too intimate.

He looked at the screen, suddenly noticing they were already about half an hour into the movie, he had not been paying attention.

It was a fun action movie he would have usually enjoyed, but he was too busy thinking about how Jungwoo – now sitting by his side but leaning his head on his shoulder – made him feel. He held Jungwoo close, holding an arm around his waist. Why did he feel like he never wanted Jungwoo to leave his side? Was it simply his warmth, and the fact that he was naturally cuddly? Was it his softness, and how he was so gentle with him, in a way that others were not?

Jaehyun looked over at Yuta, now hugging a sleeping Mark close to his chest. They looked peaceful, like they were just the right fit for one another. Maybe they were.

Maybe his own heart had decided to give up, and search for other opportunities?

“I’m sleepy.” Jungwoo mumbled with a yawn. Jaehyun hadn’t noticed, but he had been tracing circles with his fingers on Jungwoo’s exposed skin where his shirt had ridden up. He wondered how long he’d been doing it.

“You can sleep on me if you want, or I can help you get to bed?” Jaehyun said.

“Mmm, I don’t want to go to bed yet. I want to be awake with you.” Jungwoo grumbled, sounding half asleep already. Jaehyun chuckled, a laugh deep in his chest. He could feel Jungwoo smile.

“I’ll help you walk, I can join you soon.” Jaehyun said, helping the younger man up. Jungwoo hummed in response, so Jaehyun led him to the bathroom first to make sure he brushed his teeth. Once he finished, he slowly leads him to their room. He decided that he was going to be a good hyung today. Luckily Jungwoo was already wearing pyjamas, so he just helped him get into bed, tucking him in. He felt a need to treat him as carefully as he could. Jungwoo closed his eyes, so he turned to walk out.

“Thank you, Jaehyun-hyung. Love you.” Jungwoo mumbled sleepily.

Jaehyun froze. ‘He was almost asleep; he’s probably just confused. It doesn’t mean anything Jae, it doesn’t. It cannot. Not Jungwoo.’ His thoughts started racing. He shook his head; he was too tired for this.

He closed the door carefully behind him and turned around quickly, accidentally bumping into Yuta. He automatically smiled, just because Yuta was there.

“I don’t know what’s going on between the two of you, but I’m happy for you man. You seem so much softer around him, much gentler. Happier.” Yuta smiled that wonderful smile of his as he spoke. He was speaking quietly to avoid waking up any of the sleeping members. His voice was like honey, tone sweet and lovely.

“I would love for you to have someone who makes you as happy as Mark makes me.” Ouch. Now that stung.

His heart ached in so many different, conflicting ways, but that statement was like a knife in his gut. Yuta was just being nice, like always. He had no idea the way his words affected Jaehyun. And Jaehyun refused to let him know, he might as well play along.

“That’s nice of you to say. I hadn’t noticed I had started acting differently.” Jaehyun said, smiling. He tried not to sound cold, but he felt a bitter taste on his tongue. “It’s all very new, so I don’t know quite what we are yet either. I hope it works out.”

He had managed to say no lies there. He didn’t know what he and Jungwoo were doing, if they were doing anything at all. Maybe they were just friends that kissed sometimes. Maybe that was enough. A part of him almost wanted to lie and said that he and Jungwoo had been together for a long time, but that they had decided to keep it from everyone. He wondered what Yuta would have thought, considering how close they were. But Jaehyun didn’t like to lie, and he would have dragged Jungwoo into a web of lies that would have to snowball over time, and that wasn’t fair. Plus, while it might have stung for Yuta to know that Jaehyun had kept this from him, it wouldn’t have hurt enough to make a difference. He needed to stop thinking like this, he needed to stop wanting some petty revenge when Yuta had done exactly nothing wrong. He had just been happy, and there was nothing wrong with that.

“I get that, it’s very confusing in the beginning. You may not have noticed, but the rest of us certainly have. You have this shine in your eyes, and you smile more than you have for a long time. Truth be told, I was beginning to get kind of worried about you.” Yuta frowned. Jaehyun wondered for a second if maybe he had not been as good as hiding his discontent as he thought he was.

“You have been looking like you were carrying something heavy inside you for a long time, it wasn’t noticeable at first, but then it seemed to be dragging you down with it. If you ever want to talk, either about that or anything else, please come to me. I’m here for you, Jaehyun. Please know I care about you.” Yuta put his hand on his shoulder, delivering the metaphorical final blow. Yuta was too good for his own good. Somehow, this felt like the nail in the coffin of any hope he had of his love ever being requited. It was strange, all of this was strange. 

“I know, thank you bro.” He couldn’t utter a more of a response than this. Yuta pulled him into a hug, and he stiffly hugged him back. They broke apart, muttering something close to a “good night”, and Jaehyun went to brush his teeth and wash his face. He felt empty, almost. He felt hollow, like he was too thin for his bones, like his lungs were the only thing taking up space in his chest.

He went to bed, walking like he was on autopilot. The bedroom was quiet and dark, and he wrapped himself in his duvet, wishing he had someone to hold around him. Someone to keep him safe. He was so tired suddenly.

“Hyung? Are you awake?” Jungwoo whispered, just loud enough for him to hear.

“Yeah, I am. I didn’t wake you, did I?” Jaehyun croaked out, his face still blank.

“Do you want to come over here? It was harder than I thought to fall asleep properly after you left the room.” Jaehyun was glad someone apparently found him comforting. Maybe this is what he could be. Jungwoo’s cuddle buddy, his security blanket during cold nights.

“Sure, that would be nice.” Jaehyun said, in a monotone voice. He didn’t have the energy to put on a mask, but luckily he didn’t think the younger man expected him to.

He slid into his bed, kissing Jungwoo on his temple. He hugged him close, taking on the role of the big spoon this time. Jungwoo hummed, and he hoped he was smiling. Jaehyun hid his face in the nape of Jungwoo’s neck. Jungwoo always smelled so good. The presence of Jungwoo was really comforting, he was grateful he had someone with him now.

“You’re so warm, I think this is what I missed when I couldn’t fall asleep.” Jungwoo mumbled.

“I’m always happy to be of help. You make it easier to fall asleep too.”

***

Jaehyun blinked slowly as he was waking up. He wondered what time it was. It didn’t really matter, as everyone had a day off today. He leaned back, lying flat on his back. He still felt partially empty from the night before, but Jungwoo’s presence was helping. The other man stirred for a moment, just to turn around to lie his head on his chest. Jaehyun chuckled quietly, Jungwoo was probably just wondering where his heat source went.

He looked down and a smile grew on his face. He had never noticed how beautiful Jungwoo was when he slept, he looked so peaceful.

“Why are you staring at me in my sleep?” Jungwoo spoke softly, not opening his eyes. Jaehyun started petting his hair, tracing his fingers on the side of Jungwoo’s face.

“Because you’re beautiful.” He uttered bluntly. “You always look so handsome when you’re asleep.”

“Am I not handsome when I am awake?” Jungwoo tittered, raising his head to look at him. His eyes were always so beautiful, how could one person look this lovely?

“Of course you are, but it’s easier to appreciate it when you’re not talking,” Jaehyun smirked. Jungwoo gave an offended snort and hit his chest. Jaehyun started to laugh, and suddenly his heart felt full again. He felt lighter.

“Can I kiss you?”

It was an impulsive question, but he didn’t regret asking. Jungwoo nodded, and their lips met. It was a slightly awkward angle, but they made it work.

Jaehyun didn’t want to think, he just wanted more of the warmth that made his heart feel better. Maybe that was enough for now. Maybe Jungwoo could be enough. Maybe he could be enough for Jungwoo. He let his hand rest on Jungwoo’s lower back, letting his fingers dance further down. Jungwoo gave a little yelp in surprise, which just made Jaehyun smile further.

“Naughty boy.” Jungwoo was smiling from ear to ear. Jaehyun raised an eyebrow, resting his hand on Jungwoo’s ass.

“Is this okay with you?” He asked, not wanting to risk making Jungwoo uncomfortable.

“More than okay.” Jungwoo kissed him again and kissed him tenderly. Jaehyun lifted Jungwoo on top of him and moved his hand back to rest on Jungwoo’s butt. Jungwoo hummed against his lips, and Jaehyun felt more complete in that moment than he had in months.

Jungwoo suddenly broke the kiss and started to get up. Jaehyun was puzzled but said nothing. He hoped hadn’t stepped over a line somewhere.

“Don’t worry, I just wanted to lock the doors, we don’t want any unexpected visitors. They don’t need us today anyway.” Jaehyun laughed at that. Jungwoo sauntered over, meeting his gaze the entire time. ‘How have I not noticed how sexy you are before?’ Jaehyun thought.

“Now, where were we?” Jungwoo smiled as he straddled Jaehyun yet again. Jungwoo kissed him like he had been starving, and like his lips were the only thing that could sate him. Jaehyun almost wanted to stay like this forever, hoping maybe they would at some point just melt together. But bandmates make for strange bedfellows, so his questioning mind couldn’t just leave him alone. He broke the kiss.

“Hey, Woo? What are we doing?”

“Making out last time I checked? Trying to make each other feel good? Is this a trick question?” Jungwoo answered, sitting up enough so he could look him in the eyes properly. Jaehyun reconsidered how smart it was to be having this conversation now, seeing as half of his concentration was mostly preoccupied thinking of how Jungwoo was sitting right atop his crotch, and how right that felt. But he couldn’t do that again, feel good and not be sure what it meant.

“Don’t get me wrong, I _love_ this, but I just need to know. We have been flirty for a little while, is this just a casual thing?” Jaehyun said, feeling his ears getting red. He wouldn’t mind if this was a casual thing; he would just like some confirmation.

Jungwoo paused for a minute.

“It’s casual, I guess? We can figure it out as we go along, we don’t need to have it all figured out yet. I don’t think I’ve stopped to think about it yet.” Jungwoo said, averting his eyes.

He sounded nervous, almost small. Jaehyun regretted asking, but as before, Jungwoo’s comfort was very important to him. They were both bandmates and roommates, so they spent a lot of time together. Yuta came to mind. He knew how much personal feelings could impact your daily life when you were unable to resolve your issues. There was no room for discomfort if they wished to retain a smidge of their privacy. 

“Hey,” He said, in a calm voice, taking one of Jungwoo’s hands in his own and stroking his thumb across the back of it. “Casual for now works for me. Regardless of what answer you gave I would have been okay with it, I just wanted to ask. I’ve been burned before.”

For a moment there Jungwoo looked sad, almost. He wondered what it meant. The look faded quickly in favour of a bravado that was put on like a fresh shirt. Jungwoo took their hands and intertwined their fingers, pressing Jaehyun’s hands into the mattress at the level of his head.

“So, besides this conversation, what do you want to do on our day off?” Jungwoo said, smiling innocently while knowing full well the conversation was laced with subtext.

“I want you, and maybe at some point, I want some food and a shower. But for the most part, I just want you today - if that works for you.” Jaehyun stated as plainly as if he was reading a grocery list. If he didn’t know better, he would say Jungwoo was blushing. How cute.

“Th-that can definitely be arranged,” Jungwoo said, suddenly sounding insecure. He recovered quickly. “How about we combine two of them and you join me in the shower?”

“Anything for you.” Jaehyun smirked. Jungwoo leaned down to kiss him again, still holding his hands back. Jungwoo was in control, and he was very much okay with that. This was good, even great. For now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to clarify that when I wrote this I had no idea what their room looked like and imagined it to look much bigger lmao ( _now i know~_ ) ♡
> 
> Comment if you have feedback or if you wish to correct some spelling. I write this without a beta reader and english is not my first language ✨😇


	4. Let's try, just the two of us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"I'm not used to being loved_   
>  _i wouldn't know what to do."_   
> 
> 
> **\- F. Scott Fitzgerald**
> 
> Warnings: Slight Dom/Sub undertones  
>  //Jungwoo POV// 

Jungwoo was sitting on his bed, playing a game on his phone. He heard the door open and looked up in anticipation. Jaehyun had been so busy lately with his drama on top of their regular schedule of preparing for a comeback. He missed him. He missed spending time with him. He also missed his dick, but more than that he missed their intimacy. Everything had been going well, and it was still exciting and new.

“Oh Hyung, you’re back. I didn’t expect you home yet.” Jaehyun looked tired and overworked, but he still managed a smile in response.

“My schedule got cancelled due to weather complications. They just sent everyone home.”

“That’s good, I’ve been worried you have been working way too hard anyway. You should probably take a nap before you’re called into a new schedule. They can probably find something that does not require good weather.”

“Honestly more than anything I just wanted to see you again. Everything has been so busy lately.” Jaehyun smiled sheepishly. Jungwoo put his phone away and got up to hug him. Jaehyun held him close, resting his hands on the younger’s lower back. Jungwoo gave him a quick peck.

“I don’t think I have any other schedules for the day, so I am here for you whatever it is.” Jungwoo said, leading him over to his bed. Jaehyun simply smiled in response, holding Jungwoo close. They stayed like that for a heavenly little moment.

“So, I saw your Relay Cam earlier. I wasn’t expecting it to be equally much Mark’s Relay Cam.” Jaehyun said, tone neutral. It struck Jungwoo as an odd conversation starter.

“Yeah, if I’m going to be honest, I wasn’t really feeling like filming. I kind of just wanted to sleep, so I thought it would be more entertaining to involve Mark.” Jungwoo shrugged. “The fans seemed to like it.”

“Oh yeah, of course, it was entertaining.” Jaehyun paused. It felt like more words were hanging in the air, more words that were left unsaid. The atmosphere felt thick suddenly.

“So… What is the problem then?” Jungwoo stated plainly, leaning away from their embrace to look at him. He had just made a video cuddling and making silly jokes with one of his best friends, it had to be one of the most inoffensive acts ever. Yet he felt like he was supposed to feel guilty about it for some reason? What was going on?

“There’s no problem.”

“Okay…” Jungwoo let the confusing energy sit there and build up. Jaehyun was playing with his hands, absentmindedly. Time to use the proverbial knife to cut the tension. “There clearly is something going on, or you wouldn’t have brought it up.” 

“It was just strange to see you cuddling with someone else, even if it was mainly for a YouTube video.” Jaehyun looked strangely shy.

“You’re being weird today. Mark is my friend, so naturally, we are going to spend time together. It’s not like I have any reason to not spend time with our bandmates, especially for work. You and Mark are both equally great cuddlers,” Jungwoo said, watching as a strange look flashed across Jaehyun’s eyes for just a second. As soon as he noticed it, it was gone. “However, I really love the feel of your strong arms around me. I don’t cuddle like that with Mark.”

“Well, there are certainly lots of things we do that I cannot help but hope you don’t also do with Mark,” Jaehyun muttered, looking away. Jungwoo raised an eyebrow at that. What was this? Jealousy? He had not seen it in Jaehyun before. It would perhaps have been natural if they were in a relationship, but considering they were not together it was a bit strange. He bit his lip, trying to structure the sentence in his head before he spoke.

“There are plenty of things I do with you that I don’t do with others, but I do wonder what you are implying.” Jungwoo felt a bitter taste on his tongue, a little drop of poison that was tempting him to start something. He did not want to fall for the bait.

“It’s nothing, it was just a dumb passing thought.” Jaehyun spoke, still not looking him in the eye. Apparently, he found his socks to be way more interesting.

“I am not against a little possessiveness, but it’s just a little unusual as we haven’t defined what we are yet. Not that I believe people in a relationship really should have ownership over each other, but you kind of need to possess something before you feel possessive over it.” Jungwoo watched calmly as Jaehyun furrowed his brows.

“I- I don’t know what I feel,” The elder started. He took a deep breath. “I’m not jealous or anything, or I don’t think I am. I don’t want to be. I think I just wish I had a label for us. Some justification for what I’m feeling, whatever that is.”

Jungwoo was silent for a minute. Jaehyun was clearly uncomfortable now, so he needed to be tactical about this. A part of him was jumping from joy at the thought of being Jung Jaehyun’s boyfriend. Another part of him knew that if they got together, he might be in Jaehyun’s shoes soon, feeling jealous over nothing. It was a double-edged sword.

“Are you telling me you want to be in a relationship with me?” He decided to just say it, attempting to let his face remain neutral. Jaehyun’s eyes widened for a second, and Jungwoo felt his breath hitch. Had he just exposed his own wishes?

“It sounds so scary when you put it like that. I don’t want my petty jealousy to be the reason for us getting together. It should matter more. It feels like it should be more momentous.” Jaehyun bit his lip, still unable to face him.

“It doesn’t have to be scary. I don’t suspect much will change,” Jungwoo tried, using his hand to raise Jaehyun’s chin up, forcing their gazes to meet. ‘Liar, you cannot even be honest with yourself’ Jungwoo thought.

“It doesn’t have to be this huge thing; we don’t even have to announce it to anyone else. I just know that this undefined thing between us needs a name. Even if that name is just us being in an open relationship, it might help us solidify the rules.”

Jaehyun blinked a little, clearly taking his time to think. “While being in an open relationship sounds like the ideal middle ground, I’m unsure if I can trust myself to not get jealous. I don’t know what I feel for you, but do you just want to try? The one thing I know is that you are currently the only one I’m interested in sleeping with anyway.”

Jungwoo’s heart damn near skipped a beat. He really needed to raise his standards, because after that clumsy delivery he should not be having to stop himself from swooning. It felt unreal.

“Try to be in a relationship, and not an open one? Just so we’re clear?” Jungwoo almost hoped he didn’t sound too hopeful. He supposed a part of him would always be afraid Jaehyun should suddenly turn around and start mocking him.

“I- Yes. If that’s what you want as well?” Jaehyun finally looked him in the eyes willingly. He had a pleading look in his eyes. Maybe Jaehyun was as nervous as he was? Now it was Jungwoo’s turn to look embarrassed.

“Yes, that is what I want too. The open relationship solution would have worked for me as well, but if I am being honest with myself there is no one else I am all that interested in nowadays. It’s just you.” He spoke honestly, figuring it might as well be time to bare his heart.

“I am so relieved.” Jaehyun said, letting out a laugh. He rubbed the back of his head, looking somewhat awkward. ‘Cute’ Jungwoo thought to himself.

“Kiss me?” He asked, wanting to ease the tension a bit. Jaehyun gladly obliged.

“Honestly, not to sound possessive myself, but I’ve been a bit gentler with you then I have wanted to be. I’ve been a bit afraid to leave marks someone else might see.” Jungwoo said, right after they broke apart. He pulled Jaehyun closer by his shirt. He watched the older man bite his lip as he eyed him up and down. “Maybe now I can leave more bruises and hickeys, as long as they are out of sight for the makeup artists.”

“I’ve been wondering when I might see the more dominating side of you come out. I’ve been waiting for him.” Jaehyun smirked. “I’m curious what that side of yours is capable of.”

“You are giving me so many wicked ideas Jung Jaehyun.”

* * *

The water was cascading down their bodies, the water hitting Jungwoo first. He was holding onto Jaehyun’s waist as he kissed his neck. They knew they were the last to shower that night, so they didn’t need to rush. He started biting and sucking on the juncture between Jaehyun’s neck and shoulder, leaving his own little marks. They were low enough that they could be covered by wardrobe or makeup. Jungwoo could barely force himself to care about that now. To hell with the consequences. He wanted to prove to everyone that this was real, make it seem real. Something about even their stylists knowing Jaehyun was taken, thrilled him. His boyfriend, Jung Jaehyun. He had yet to say it out loud, but the phrase repeated in his head over and over. He suspected he might be falling in love, somewhat, but he could not admit that to himself yet.

Jaehyun moaned, leaning his head back. Jungwoo let his hand travel across Jaehyun’s abdominal muscles, his fingers dancing on the older man’s waist. Jaehyun’s hard cock was fully erect, and Jungwoo let his long fingers caress it. He moved to the other side of Jaehyun’s neck, moving his hand up and down with a twist. He loved seeing Jaehyun like this, crumbling underneath him.

“I love how hard you are for me. You are so beautiful like this.” The words of praise were whispered into Jaehyun’s ear. Jungwoo kissed the tender shell of his ear and gave his earlobe a gentle bite.

“Yes, I want to be good for you. Be beautiful for you.” Jaehyun groaned.

“Well, in that case, I want you to not come yet,” Jungwoo was still moving his hand up and down his length. “I suggest we get out of here and continue this in the bedroom. I want to touch you more before you are allowed to cum.”

Jaehyun bit his lip, suppressing a moan. He slowly moved out of Jungwoo’s grip, turning around to give him a kiss before they parted. Jaehyun’s eyes were half-lidded and dark. Jaehyun turned away to go get his towel, attempting to dry himself off without being too rough on his oversensitive skin. It was a weirdly arousing thing to see, and Jungwoo almost felt a little drunk just looking at the other man. They dried themselves off and made quick work of moving into their shared bedroom. They moved over to Jaehyun’s bed, as it was somewhat bigger. Jungwoo pushed him down towards the bed, putting one leg on either side of his thighs to restrict his movement.

“Look at you, so good and obedient for me.”

“Yes, darling, I want to obey you tonight.” Jaehyun’s eyes were becoming more and more glazed.

“Darling? Is that my new nickname, baby? I like it.” Jungwoo eyed Jaehyun with much interest. He did not go into the dominant position very often, but he always fully enjoyed it. He opened the bedside drawer to take out a bottle of lube and a condom he had placed there earlier in anticipation.

“I thought you might. Please tell me what you want to do to me tonight.” Jaehyun’s eyes were pleading. Jungwoo’s heart almost skipped a beat at the sight.

“I want to fuck you, make you needy for me. Watch you unravel beneath me. Now, for safe words, are you familiar with the colour system? Green for good, yellow for pause and red to stop?” Jungwoo waited for Jaehyun to nod before he continued. “Good, we can use that tonight. Now I know you want to come, but I am going to need you to hold on a little longer. I want to see how long you can last tonight.”

Jaehyun looked more desperate already, and Jungwoo had to admit a small part of him liked seeing him this affected.

“Colour?”

“Green, darling.” Jaehyun looked up at him in anticipation, his wet hair sticking to his forehead. “Please keep touching me, I need more.”

“My baby is so good at vocalising his wishes,” Jungwoo smiled. “How about I open you up, prepare you for me? Work you open gently, just like you deserve.”

“Please Woo, I need you.”

Jungwoo released Jaehyun’s hands and placed three of his fingers in front of Jaehyun’s lips. “Suck.”

Jaehyun opened his mouth, sucking at the three digits while making eye contact the entire time. He bobbed his head a little, making sure they were fully coated in saliva. Jungwoo could feel his eyes darken, the feeling of desire enveloping him completely. It made him wonder how Jaehyun was feeling.

“Oh darling, it’s like you were made for this.” Jungwoo moaned. He pushed his fingers further back a little, seeing how well Jaehyun adapted. They were maintaining eye contact the entire time, Jaehyun surely knew he was driving him insane.

He extracted the fingers and ignored the disappointed whine the older man uttered. He moved back so he was sitting in-between Jaehyun’s legs, spreading them further. Jaehyun’s throbbing cock had started leaking. He was truly a sight to see. He entered the first finger, not waiting long to start moving.

“What colour are you now baby?” Jungwoo asked, moving his finger in and out.

“Ah, green. Please go a little faster, darling.”

Jungwoo smirked, quickly entering another finger, scissoring his hole. Jaehyun’s deep-voiced moans were maddening. He kept stretching him, watching with fascination how his fingers disappeared into the older man. After a little while of stretching, he added the third finger.

“My beautiful Jaehyun, so good for me. Keep this up and I will reward you. Are you ready to move on?” Jungwoo said, Jaehyun’s eyes were nearly glazed over, his cheeks pink. He looked wrecked already.

“Yes, but can I please come soon? This is getting unbearable. I feel like I’m about to implode.” Jaehyun pleaded. Jungwoo smiled wickedly, leaning down to kiss at Jaehyun’s oversensitive length. He licked a stripe up the side of his cock, and he could feel Jaehyun shivering underneath him.

“Soon, baby, just be patient for a couple of minutes longer. I will reward you soon.” Jungwoo picked up the condom from the bedside table, but Jaehyun’s hand stopped him.

“I want to feel you.” He gasped out.

“Well,” Jungwoo let out a gasp at that, with a small incredulous laugh. “That can certainly be arranged.”

It would seem Jaehyun was full of surprises. He covered his length in a generous amount of lube. He made sure to have enough to avoid hurting Jaehyun, as his fingers were quite a lot smaller than his dick. He looked up for confirmation that it was okay for him to enter. Jaehyun nodded.

The older man released a string of moans that could have made him come right there on the spot as soon as Jungwoo pushed in.

“God, you’re so tight, baby. You make me feel so good.” He stilled after he bottomed out, waiting for Jaehyun to get used to his girth. He was so tempted to move already, but he decided to be gentle.

“Wait, yellow. Give me a moment to adjust.” Jungwoo stayed still, waiting for confirmation. Jaehyun was breathing deeply. He was so flushed and lovely. Jungwoo wanted to carve the image of him like this into his head. “Okay, continue. Please move.”

“I think I’m going to give you your reward right away.” After hearing Jaehyun moan again, he started moving. He set a steady pace, trying to locate the elder’s prostate. Jaehyun looked so wrecked, his moans were filling the room. Jungwoo was very glad the members whom they shared a dorm with were all out, and he hoped that if anyone had come home that they weren’t disturbing their sleep.

He changed his angle and thrust hard. Bingo. Jaehyun was reduced to a moaning mess underneath him, and Jungwoo knew he would not last long today if he continued sounding like that.

“Come for me baby, I want to feel you give in while I’m inside of you. You’re perfect like this.” Jungwoo kept thrusting in at a now ruthless pace. This set off something in Jaehyun, he released a deep, guttural moan as Jungwoo kept hitting his prostate. And just like that, Jaehyun came, desperately clenching the sheets, shooting thick ropes all over his stomach. He clenched around Jungwoo, making him moan back. Jungwoo upped his pace, continuously hitting Jaehyun’s prostate throughout his orgasm. He dragged a finger along Jaehyun’s chest, looking at the cum lying there. He took his finger into his own mouth, meeting Jaehyun’s gaze. Jungwoo licked the cum off of his hand, looking at him the entire time. Jaehyun groaned at the sight. He was close himself. He flopped down, his arms falling to his sides limp. Jungwoo kept moving, chasing his own release.

“So lovely, baby. You look unbelievable. I never thought I would see my you in this light. Never thought you would want me in this way,” Jungwoo spoke, while stroking Jaehyun’s hair. The older man smiled, looking very blissful. “I’m coming very soon.”

A few more thrusts, one after the other, and suddenly Jungwoo felt the heat in his stomach gather. He came with Jaehyun’s name on his lips, letting himself fall forward to collapse on Jaehyun’s chest. He stayed there, letting the aftershocks hit him. Jungwoo felt so wonderful and so lucky. He would have never thought this would ever happen, maybe apart from in his wildest dreams. It felt unreal. It was something about the idea that he was the only one who could fuck him into the mattress like this. He was the only one who was allowed to see him fall apart like this, and he wondered how he’d been granted the pleasure. He began to pull out, when Jaehyun put a hand on his arm, stopping him in motion.

“Let us stay here a little longer. I want to have you inside of me a little while longer. Just let me keep you warm.” Jaehyun said, making Jungwoo’s dick twitch. He pushed himself back in.

“I will stay here as long as you need me too, baby,” Jungwoo said, tracing patterns on the other’s arm. He leaned up and kissed the elder, tenderly and softly. They kissed like they were in love, like there was only the two of them left in the world. He was feeling very sensitive, and the feel of Jaehyun’s walls around him was unbearable on his length. “You should see yourself right now, you look absolutely delectable. If I had the energy right now, I would keep going, seeing how much I could make you fall apart underneath my touch.”

“Such things you say. There’s a plug in my bedside drawer, it could save us both a bit of a mess.” As he spoke, he reached his arm over towards the drawer, pulling out a metal plug with a green gemstone at the bottom. Jungwoo raised his eyebrow at the sight, he wondered how he had missed it earlier.

“That’s probably easier. I would love to just stay here, but it might be nice if you could walk tomorrow.”

Jaehyun seemed to be weighing the options, considering what he wanted the most. “Yeah, it would be nice, even if we have nothing much going on. I could do without being questioned by the others. I still want to be close to you though, can we just stay here?”

“Of course, we can, after we’ve cleaned up a little.” Jungwoo smiled, as he carefully pulled out. He watched his cum start to trickle out of the other’s hole, and quickly plugged him up. It was a sight he would not forget in a long time. He dragged on his boxers just so he could get a wet rag from the bathroom to clean them both off with. As soon as he was back in the room, he cleaned a now very-tired Jaehyun up. After he was done, he stripped and laid back down next to his lover.

“Thank you for taking the reins this time, Jungwoo. I needed it. I loved it.” Jaehyun mumbled. “Next time I want to fuck you so hard you can see stars.”

Jungwoo smiled at that, already anticipating it. He turned to the side so he could spoon Jaehyun from behind. He took the covers over them, before placing his arms over his waist, tracing small patterns on his skin.

“I can’t wait.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, sorry this update was slightly delayed. Uni has been keeping me busy, and I wasn't sure where I was going with this chapter at first. I would love to hear feedback, or even corrections, as English is not my first language.  
> 
> 
> Hopefully was able to write the smut somewhat believably, as I am a lesbian, so mlm smut is not exactly my area of expertise ✨😇


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